YURI DONOVAN'S CHRISTMAS- AD 2255
by keiman and kei
Summary: Yuri's version of what Kei dreamed of during her Dream Sequences aboard the 'LA2' starship in ff 'Christmas with the Dirty Pair' already published here under Anime/DirtyPair/keimanandkei. Yuri ain't aboard the ship this time. She's at the Academy and lonely.
1. Stave 1 'It's Lonely At the Top'Why No

After many requests, pleadings & outright beggings, Story Teller Guy has agreed to tell the Dickens' classic 'A Christmas Carol' from Grand Admiral/Proctor Yuri Donovan's point of view. The premise is that Yuri is lonely, despondent and dejected at being left behind when Grand Marshall of the Aquarian Galaxy Kei(rran) O'Halloran takes all the third year tro-con cadets on a training mission including all of Yuri's dearest tomodachi (friends). It is several years after the 'Angelic Pyramid' incident and Yuri re-imagines 'Kei's Dream Sequence' from 'Christmas With the Dirty Pair' the way she imagines it to have REALLY been-

DISCLAIMER: A rousing domo arigatou to Haruka-San Takachiho and his creations as well as all other creations by every other author/creator that I used in this tale. I disclaim any rights to any but my own characters that I have used. Now I must apologize for some of the coarse, vulgar and risque language and adult innuendoes in this tale so don't blame me if the kiddies read this and start dropping profanities all over the place. Read it yourselves dear parents and grandparents before letting little Suzie or little Jimmy read it OK? Then without further ado here is Chapter or as Charlie Dickens put it Stave One-

'YURI DONOVAN'S CHRISTMAS CAROL- AD 2255'

STAVE 1 'It's Lonely At the Top' or 'Why Not To Read Holo VidNovels Late At Night'

The year was AD 2255 and sitting in the Dean's office at Takachiho Academy in Furool (Foo-Lon) City in Eastern Shimougou, the acting dean of the 3WA Academy was bored outta her ever lovin' gourd. With the Boss (Grand Marshall of the Aquarian Galaxy Keirran O'Halloran who was also the Academy's Dean) away on a training mission her subordinate Grand Admiral/Proctor/Acting Dean Yuri Donovan was temporarily left to run the Academy.

The depressed, desolate and despondent 'Lovely Angel' was sad, lonely and bored. The firebrand Hellcat (Kei) was off teaching the third year trouble consultant (tro-con) 3WA cadets the ins and outs of piloting and commanding a K-Class patrol starship through the cosmos of the Universes. Assisting her on the mission were Brigadier Marlene Angel and Subaltern (jg) Kome Sawaguchi. Cadets Second Class Edna Jordan and Rio DelCroix under the tutelage of Sub-Ensign Angela deRoncesvalles were aboard the 'Lovely Angel 2' along with the other tro-con wannabes.

Poor Yuri hardly knew most of the other cadre and students except for Unit Sector Chief Ella Hathaway but Ella was away on a skiing holiday in the Girol Mountains. A sad state of affairs just a few days before Kurusumasu Ibu (Christmas Eve) to be sure. Territirial Sector Chief Charles Augustus 'Uncle Chuckie' Garner had reluctantly turned down Yuri's request for holiday leave because as he put it 'Somebody has to run the damned place, don't they?' and bang zip zowie went Yuri's plans for a relaxing trip to Kagura to spend the holidays with Cpts Nat and Lance Edwards now permanent crew members of the 'Outlaw Star' starship.

"Dammit all! It would have been nice to see Gene (Starwind) and Jimbo (Hawkings) and Villa again too. I got nothin' to do. The paperworks all finished. I even vidded up all of those late last year reports on the 'Haranga' incident that the airhead was supposed to have done. I'm sick of vid TV and Ed took the darn vid player apart before she left with Jett and Spike and Faye. Nai (No), it was that blasted blonde terror Winry Rockabelle that did it before she went back to Amestris with Shorty (Ed Elric) and Ironpants (Al Elric). I'm bored! Did ya hear that, 'CC' (Central Computer Unit on loan to the Academy for teaching purposes)? Mugghi? You got any new vid catalogues? Nai? Oh I am so mad at that red-headed ding dong I could just scream!" she mused aloud.

"Go ahead and scream then, lovey." said 'CC' who loved taunting everyone at the Academy and the 3WA. This week he was picking up on old catch phrases from ancient Terran TV shows like McHale's Navy.

"I told you to stop doing that, you overgrown bag of junk!" screeched the violet-maned minx vixen. The portals flashed aside and a tall striking brunette entered. Naomi Armitage was pissed off as well. The only robot android able to give birth to a human child was hopping mad at being stuck here over the holidays while Clay and Annie were enjoying the hot springs up in Zardon Falls on Mars.

"Why don't you shut yer trap, Donovan and just read a damned holo vidnovel for Kami's sake! The vidcopier and the repper ain't been workin' right ever since Nellie (Neliel du Oderschwanck) and Rinnie (Adopted daughters of Sesshomaru and Alicia Higurashi the newlyweds) decided to make 'em work better by hooking old warp core drives to 'em both! I've had enough! I'm goin' out for a pizza. Wanna come, kiddo?" invited Naomi while sliding her small Mark IIIA blaster into her shoulder holster and zipping up her leather jacket. (Kei's law was 'Never go anywhere off campus or on campus outdoors without firepower ever' and woe betide whoever the Hell broke that rule!).

"Yeah, why the oni (devil) not? We'd better take your sky sled though. Mine's aboard the 'LA2' and that's gone. I'll meet ya up on the roof. OK? I wanna morph into a winter uniform and I gotta er you know- go?" replied Yuri and Naomi lit a cheroot and nodded.

"Five minutes, kiddo. Roof Dock nine alpha in HHJ sector. Don't keep me waiting." called Naomi over her Kelvinite shoulder.

After answering nature's call, Yuri morphed into a warm fuzzy 3WA winter uniform which would have made ancient Terran TV's Major Hochstetter on Hogan's Heroes green with envy. Checking her wristchromo hurriedly she was soon sprinting for the lift. You just did NOT keep Naomi Armitage waiting because her temper was almost as bad as the Boss's was!

Driving back a few hours later with Naomi passed out in the back seat (Didn't know that robotic 'droids could get smashed, did ya?), Yuri Donovan was furious! She hadn't gotten pie-eyed at the 'Moon Over Mayhem' Bar & Grille- Naomi Armitage had! Yet when the gendarmes from the 'ISSP' showed up, guess who got arrested along with the other rowdies?

Not only that but when she'd flashed her red/white/aoishi (blue) ID vid card with a silver stripe (Yuri was a bloody Grand Admiral and Acting Marshall after all!) the ISSP sergeant had simply quipped 'Yer kin get those things at the Malls, Honey.'

Then he'd had her tossed in the clink! Strolling past on his way to his office Rafe Donnelly recognized her and Milady Armitage and had had them both released into his custody and sent them home. Good old Rafey! Now all Yuri wanted was a hot toddy, a few Hydroxylein capsules and bed.

After dumping Naomi in Kei's bed in the room next to her own (Yuri hadn't a clue as to where Milady resided) to sleep it off, Yuri had changed into jammies and kimono, slid her feet into mules and sat down with her toddy after swallowing three Hydroxylein capsules. Idly flipping through the holo vid novels she found one that reminded her of the season and began to read and doze-

"Well, Mistress Cratchit? Did you order those power packs for those new Mark XXXV's yet?" barked an impatient Keirran O'Scrooge to her clerk.

"Er, yes'm. Ah-ah-ahchoo! Gomen, er sorry mum but it's a bit chilly in here (16 degrees Kelvin = minus 10 degrees Fahrenheit). Would it be OK for me to increase the dilythium flow rheostat just a tad, a very teensy bit?" replied Yuri Eleanor Cratchit, the feared 'Icewoman of Shimougou's faithful assistant.

"Hell nai (no), dammit! That shit costs half a credit per kilo! Besides you ain't staying. You gotta make a delivery. Take this vidnote to Jimmy Waldess and collect the 10K credits he owes me for eliminatin' that bastard O'Malley for him last week! Now get a move on yer ass!" snarled the firebrand Hellcat Amazon redhead.

Yuri shivered but tapped the vidnote into her PDO vidpad and headed out the portal.

"OK darn it, Boss. I'm goin', dipstick!" she retorted angrily.

"Dumbass broad!" shouted Kei.

"Moron!" yelled back the violet-maned minx vixen.

"Ashita (Tomorrow) is Kurusumasu Ibu (Christmas Eve) so I suppose you'll want all day off the enxt day for the holiday- again?" howled the tallish green-aizued removal expert.

You see Mr Waldess, the local mob boss lived offworld on 'Xygon VI', one of Shimougou's numerous moons. It was, of course, 16 lightyears from 'Shimougou' so it would take poor Mrs Cratchit an entire day to get there and another to return. (Different time zone though so she'd be back late Christmas Eve).

"If it's convenient, mum." she answered demurely and sweetly.

"It sure as jigoku (Hell) ain't convenient and it ain't fair, dammit!" raved the redhead hotly.

"It's only once a cycle, you baka ass moron!" screeched Mrs Cratchit just as angrily. (The Boss would never can Yuri because nobody else in the entire Aquarian Galaxy would work for her)!

"You'd think yerself illused if I docked ya 25 credits for it yet ya don't give a shit that I gotta fork over a day's wages for no bloody work, do ya?" grumbled Kei.

"It's- oh bother! Whatever! Can I take the 'Raphael' for the jaunt?" pleaded Yuri quietly.

"Nai, take 'Leonardo' 'cause the 'Raph's got a leaky warp core, stupid!" cried her Boss.

"Aw, I guess you had better have the whole day but you be sure to git yer ass in here by 0400 (4 AM) the next day to get started cleaning that used 'railgun' that Dash (Rendar) sold me last week. By the way, how's that lazy little brat o' yours, kiddo?" she added with lygoric acid in her voice. Then she fired up one of her obnoxious cheroots.

Yuri gagged and coughed before replying.

"For Kami's (God's) sake, Kome's only seven! And I already told ya that she is not going to learn how to use a blaster or a disruptor until she's nine! I do not give a shimatta (damn) that you iced your first guy when you were four! Anyway, she's sick with 'Rudellian Flu' again. You don't give a crap that she's dying or you'd loan me that 2K so she can have that operation.

"Tiny Kome's all I got left now that my other six kids are training with the 'ISSP' and my Jimbo's MIA (Missing In Action) from the 'KASP' (Kaguran Air & Space Patrol) and if I gotta sell my tamja (soul), she will get well! Sayonara, ya stingy old bitch!" shrieked Yuri who was mad as Hell that she couldn't slam the automatic portals of the 'Killers R Us' edifice behind her.

"Who ya callin' old dammit! I am only two months older than you, airhead!" screamed the Boss but she was shouting to an empty room.

"One of these days she'll go too far and I'll sack her kawaii (lovely) ass, that I will! I don't care if she is family either, dammit!" mused Kei aloud as she sealed the outer portals and activated the quadruple force beam barriers across them.

Meanwhile Yuri was firing up the 'Leo's thrusters and checking the warp core fuel mixture very carefully while her Tiny Kome toyed with the sonic cannon's controls.

"Kome! Don't play with those! Isn't it bad enough that we are banned from 'Grenfell IV' because you nuked the 'Thongor Mall' without yout trying to nlow up something else!" scolded her irate Mama.

"That was a accident Mummy. Anyway Auntie Icey told me to 'Never blows up tomorrow what you can blows up today', Mummy. Hey, what does this pedal do?" asked the innocent appearing tow-headed pink-haired schoolgirl.

"Kome! Ka-Mi! That's the foot trigger for the 'God Gun' and I haven't dismantled the darn thing yet! Go play on the holodeck with 'Artok'. I got work to do and hyperdrives to burn if wer're to get back home by Kurusumasu Ibu. Rep us up some dinner in an hour, Honey." finished the now cooler former hit lady Mom.

"OK. C'mon 'Artok'. I wanna play 'Clones Forever' and you're 'it'!" giggled Tiny Kome.

"Coming, Miss Kome." replied the ship's central computer good naturedly. ('CC' he sure as Hell was not)!

Yuri lifted clear of the tiny (Only half a thousand air slots) 'Splattertown' spaceport and rocketed off towards 'Big Jimmy's moon.

An hour later 'Artok' guided a fully laden anti-grav trolley with two Philly cheesesteaks, fries, onion rings, Danish pastries and super chocolate shakes onto the flight deck.

"Again Kome? You are going to turn into a Philly cheesesteak sub." chortled Yuri.

"You did tell me no more pizzas, ya know." sulked a sullen Kome while rubbing her ass where Eno her data inu (doggie) had grabbed her before she could float out of the shuttle's airlock.

Tiny Kome was far from being a good little kid like Charlie Dickens' Tiny Tim. However, she did visit the Furool (Foo-Lon) City's Shinto shrine every weekend and prayed to Susannah Oh to make her well.

Oblivious to all of this crap, Miss O'Scrooge had at last reached home (She had been tossed out of six bars and two cafes)- a tiny 16 room flat on the 127th floor of 'Nakasone Towers' just a short air speeder ride from her 'Killers R Us' offices.

"Open this damned portal, 'Tud', ya lazy ass!" she shouted at the top of her lungs while contemplating Iris McMarley's mug in the vidscreen lockset.

"Ka-Mi! She's been roshii (dead) fer seven cycles in fact didn't she buy it seven cycles back this very night? 'Tud'!" she snarled just as the portals swished aside and a shy voice squeaked out "Correct, Kathleen. Onegai (Please) enter."

'Tud' was Kei's own 'Artok'-like central computer servant.

"I thought I told ya never to call me by that name, dammit!" she ranted while stumbling into the java table and falling onto the divan.

"Two 'droids called earlier for you collecting for the poor children on 'Dantoonine' and I took the liberty of authorizing them to deduct a hundred credits from your account in your name, mum. Never fear, it is all entirely tax deductible, Kath- er Kei." mumbled the voice.

"It damned well better be! I'll retire to Bedlam!" slurred the drunken sot on the divan.

"That'll be the day! Ol' Scratch'll have to move outta jigoku when she shows up there!" thought Kakashi (Kei's twenty-five feet long pet bull python) from his post by the kitchen. Tonight he was gonna get another 'Lygurian Smegget' for his dinner. (A 'smegget' was a well like a large marpit or rodent). Pythons only eat once every three months because it takes that long for them to digest their din din.

"Hey Kashi! C'mere baby!" Kei clapped her gloved hands together and her pet stared at her like she'd been smoking dilythium and who knows- maybe she had! Anakes especially pythons and other constrictors are like neko (cats) in that they do not do tricks nor do they come running when they are called!

Giving it up for a bad idea, Kei staggered into the kitchen (She had been boozing it up all night with Romulan Aoishi (Blue) Ale) and repped up some ramen, a lousy mess of noodles and Kami knew what else (Eb was lucky. He at least got gruel)! Taking the yucky stuff into her study and Kami knows exactly why a liquidator needs a study but oro (what) the Hell!- she slooped it like a pig because Kei detested silverware (except for knives and kanai) and never got the hang of using chop sticks and besides, she had no damned table manners anyway!- until the Mickey Mouse clock (an antique she had acquired from ancient Terra) struck the hour of 0300 or 3 in the morning.

Just then all Hell broke loose sending Kashi skittering up the stairs to the roof! Next a loud clanking noise began all the way up 127 flights of stairs to Milady's flat at 127-D!

"Shit! Why the bloody jigoku does my contract say that I ain't allowed to use the bloody turbolift? My feet are killin' me dammit!" howled a deep contralto voice from the lower hallways.

Kei leaped to her feet and yanked out her trusty Mark XIII ion cannon!

"Get the Hell outta here or I'll make Swiss cheese outta ya, ya damned stupid baka!" she slurred before her legs gave out and she crashed to the floor on her knees.

Slowly the portals shimmered crimson then green and seemed to be aflame!

That did it! Keirran had had e-nough for one night! Zap! Crack! Boom! The portals exploded and a million pieces of grey Kelvinite showered down nearly covering a shadowy spectre in the doorway!

"You damned bitch! My Mama gave us those portals for MY birthday, Katie!" cried a tall statuesque blonde bombshell of a spectral image who was as transparent as crystal.

"Damn! My bloody feet are killin' me and look oro ya done to my new tunic! For Kami's sake, Katie, I'm a friggin' 'yuyu' (ghost/spectr/spirit- take your pick)! You can't ice me! I'm already 'roshii' (dead)! I'm a bloody corpse, kiddo!" raved the silver clad blonde, brushing away pieces of razor sharp metal like it was confetti.

She was bound in chains of golden Kelvinite which were made up of blazing vid contracts, blasters, ion cannons, phasers, photon bombs, nitroglycine blocks, disruptors, power packs and kami knew oro else!

"Katie! It's me or should that be it is I? Molly did explain that all too well before she died at Waldess's hands.** Anyway it's Iris, Iris (Lady Flair) McMarley! In life, I was your friggin' partner, the better half of 'Killers R Us', your compadre-in-arms, baby! Hey! Ya still got that purple-haired bimbo freakazoid workin' for ya?" yawned a tired Iris, kicking off her Cavalier boots and unzipping her damaged tunic. She collapsed onto the divan and curled up to sleep.

"Mind if I crash here for a bit? I'll go as soon as your first spook shows up, kid." pleaded the former hitwoman sleepily.

"Never knew that you were prejudiced, kiddo?" yawned a sleepy liquidator redhead.

"I meant the first 'yuyu', dumbass." giggled Iris McMarley, sitting up and filching one of Kei's cheroots and igniting it with a flick of her fingers which shot forth a cobalt aoishi (blue) flame fully a metre high!

" I guess so. Just be sure he leaves when you do dammit." snarled the firebrand Amazon Hellcat, her emerald aizu (eyes) flashing fire.

"Can't do that, Sweetie. I went to a Helluva lotta trouble procurin' this chance for ya and Ol' Scratchy didn't like it either. Expect the first when the bell tolls 0100 hours (1 AM). Expect the next spectre-" explained Iris before Kei interrupted her ex-partner in crime. Even in the 23ed Century the law frowned upon killing for profit.

"Whoa there, Honey! Hold the hyperdrives one Kami shimatta nanosecond! It's well past 0300 so you're too damned late!" she chortled merrily.

"Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that the trio are hitchin' a ride on the Doctor's TARDISes? So the first will be here at 0100, the second the next night at the same hour and the third the followin' night when the last stroke of twelve hath ceased to vibrate and well you get the pix eh? Who the oni (devil) writes this crap for us anyway?" chuckled the blonde.

Not them three pests again! They scared the jigoku outta poor Kashi last time they showed up!" grumbled Keirran O'Scrooge, pouring herself four fingers of Jameson's and then handing another to Iris who accdepted it greedily.

"We er can't get nuttin' but Synthenol *** down below!" she explained sheepishly and took a very demure and ladylike sip while Kei belted hers down in one go. Iris jumped up quickly onto the java table or rather she would have had she not been ethereal. Instead she sunk through the table and half way through the floor beneath it.

"Oh good Ka-Mi! Don't tell me that ya still got that slitherin' bloody 'maru' (snake or serpent) in this place? Where the jigoku is it, Katie?" yelped Iris, trying to peek underneath the divan and managing to get her head stuck in the table's crystal surface.

"Probably up on the roof. You musta scared him." replied a bored Kei.

Suddenly the wall clock struck 0300 hours and a trio of 'enjeru' angels chased a horny 'oni' (devil) who looked a lot like Mr Poporo around the clockface before belting him in the chops with their teeny tiny fists. The timepiece had been a gift to Kei from Aquarian Galaxy Supreme Chief Andre Francis Gooley many years ago.

The occasion? Kei's first anniversary as a senior 3WA tro-con (trouble consultant or intergalactic cop) back when the redhead was a tender sixteen years of age!

At that same moment, a familiar pulsing noise was heard followed by a flashing white beacon atop an ancient aoishi Terran Britain 'police box' out of which popped an elderly gentleman. Doctor #3 very closely resembled Jon Pertwee.

"Meri Kurusumasu (Merry Christmas) to one and all and has St Nicholas arrived for his three o'clock yet?" he said very matter of factly.

Behind him came a very short Tsuni Usagi 'Sailor Moon' who was clothed in a very long and old-fashioned nightgown of purest azure Samite and emblazoned with stars and moons galore.

"Wrong story, ya old fool! This ain't 20th Century Terran LA either, stupid! Oh hiya Auntie Flair and Auntie Kei. (She fished a note out of her bosom) I am the Spirit o' Kurusumasu Past , Auntie Kei and ya gotta comes with me." explained the child of twelve summers.

"Says who?" retorted the redhead hotly.

"She's the 'yuyu' I told ya about, Reds. C'mon Doc. I need a ride back below. It's almost time for the 'Duel Monsters' tourney and I got a bundle bet on the 'Dark Ryuu (Dragon) Mage', Pop. Good luck, Katie me darlin'. You'll sure as jigoku need it." said a yawning Iris, zipping up her ruined tunic and retrieving her boots before stepping aboard the TARDIS and giving the Doctor a shove through the portal.

"Alright, I'm going. There is no need to push, young woman and do stop calling me 'Pop'!" fussed the tall time lord from Gallifrey. The usual hoots and whistles and the TARDIS Type 40 travelling machine vanished in a puff of smoke.

"Finally! I thought they'd never leave! Damned nightie! Auntie Kei, can I borrow some of your stuff for our journey? Onegai?" asked the small schoolgirl from 20th Century Terran Japan.

Kei did a double take and gagged on her cheroot!

"Journey! Oro friggin' journey?" she demanded. ]

END of Stave One. Stay tuned for Stave Two- 'Mooney Gets A Spanking' or 'Kei Meets Jackie Chan- Again'


	2. Stave 2 'Mooney Gets A Spanking'Kei Me

Afore we get a-goin' on Stave Two of this excitin' tale that I can talk about but ain't supposed to be readin' (Great story, ain't it?) Story Teller Guy screwed up and fergot to 'plain a couple o' things he'd ass-teer-isk-eed (starred with an asterisk) in Stave One.

** Waldess was the old meanie guy who Auntie Kei and Auntie Yuri (Flash DP Act One) tangled with in their very first mission together as tro-cons or badass space coppers! Mr Absolute Anime had this to say about him.

dirty_pair_ 

BTW STG and Boss Man KZ Yahooed their first fanfiction and looky what come up!

search;_ylt=A0oG7hnIhdJQZxgAjmJXNyoA?p=christmas%20with%20the%20dirty%20pair&fr2=sb-top&fr=cb-max

*** Synthenol is a non-alcoholic unfermented 'liquor' used on the starships and everywhere else within the 3WA/UG HQ. It gives you a 'buzz' like booze does but you won't have no hangovers! Although supposed to be i-denn-ical to the real 'hooch' like Auntie Kome calls it, Auntie Kei says it tastes like rancid shit and always stocks the 'good stuff' on the 'LA2' 'specially 'Jameson's Irish Whiskey which in the 22nd-23rd Centuries was 250 proof rock gut booze! The other fave drink is the illegal and forbidden 'Romulan Ale'. It's usually called Aoishi or Blue ale on accounta its deep bluesy colour! Man! I only put a teensy bit into Kaede's rootbeer and she was climbin' the walls fer hours! Onegai (Please) don't tell Auntie Blondie or I'll get whcked or worse- she'll explain child sy-kile-oo-gee to me again!

STAVE 2 'Mooney Gets A Spanking' or 'Kei Meets Jackie Chan- Again'

Tsuni Usagi strolled out of Kei's bedroom wearing that same tired old black leather skycycle outfit that the redhead had used during that long ago 'Black Ghost' mission on 'Cybytron' ('Christmas' ff) complete with polished black jackboots. She had on way too much mascara makeup and garish jewelry for a twelve year old schoolgirl! She had also filched a punk hairdo wig from Marlene Angel's room and looked like a young Lady Gaga from ancient Terra!

"The (cough) journey to your past that (cough) I was sent here to take you on (cough cough) Auntie. Man these sure are funny tasting cheroots! (Gulp)(Gag)(Cough). Open that window so we can leave now. That's an order!" commanded Mooney importantly and Kei exploded!

"That ain't no cheroot!" she ejaculated angrily, yanking it from the kid's mouth and tossing it down the refuse tube.

WHOOM! The whole room filled with smoke before 'Tud' activated the ventilators. Kei glared daggers and kanai at the poor kid who was literally quaking in her borrowed boots. Then she took a whiff of the stuff in Mooney's glass and made a wry face before dumping it down the drain.

Yanking open the fridge, she broke two eggs into a mug, added java, water, Tabasco sauce, mayonnaise and peanut butter to it and stirred it fiercely before forcing this melange of a mess down poor Miss Usagi's gullet! She spluttered but swallowed it all.

Tossing her roughly onto the divan Kei fumed. Then she grabbed the kid and yanked down her borrowed leather breeches and turned her over her knee and spanked her as hard as she could causing the surprised and indignat girl to sob, cry and scream!

"Go ahead stupid! Yell as loud as ya want. This place is sound-proofed. Shit! Harry (Potter) is sure to have heard that explosion and he'll sure as Hell trace it back up here dammit! Listen dumbass! That 'stogie' was a contact fused bomb and that 'drink' of yours was the new perfume Mar borrowed from the airhead! It's got some stuff whales upchuck (ambegris) in it and Mar said it's poison! I know 'cause I tried to feed it to Kashi last week.

"Harry Potter's our basement parking dock attendant and he's gonna be up here double time quick. You're (Kei thought furiously) Angie deRoncesvalle's cousin nai that won't work- she's the last of her line dammit! OK you're gonna be Kagome Higurashi's cousin Zelda. You were at your uncle's mall and got lost. I found ya and brought ya home. Got it? (The kid nodded and pulled up her pants) Good! Now get into one of Yuri's 'Snow White' getups! She lent Mar one of 'em for that fancy dress party one time and Mar kept it. You heard the boom but you were in the shower when it hit OK? (Rubbing her swollen red ass she nodded agian and raced to the bedroom). After that, young lady, we are going to have a long talk!" shouted Kei.

"Oro about your reclamation and welfare, Auntie? The journey-" stammered Mooney.

"I ain't on welfare! We'll play Mac's game after Harry leaves OK?" said a befuddled hitwoman.

Harry was polite but firm. He knew it had been a bomb. He knew that Kei used to be a cop. He'd overlook it this time but he wanted Kei's promise not to blow up the building. He didn't believe a word about Mooney either partly because he knew Kaggie had no young cousins and partly because he knew Mooney anyway! He did agree not to report any of this to the 'KP' (City police squad) it being almost Christmas and all.

"OK. Jump out the window, Auntie and I'll be right behind you." ordered Mooney now wearing a 'sensible' 3WA summer uniform that made her look like the ancient Terran from Grimm's Fairy Tales. Kei stared at the kid while toying with the vidphone. This poor kid needed help, professional help badly!

"Bear ye but a touch of my hot pants and ye shall be upheld in more than this." said Mooney pointing at the open window.

"I'll just grab a couple of jet packs, kiddo." replied Kei.

"You don't- oh alright! Me too? OK dammit! It really isn't necessary though. Happy now? Let's fly." said Mooney, stepping out the window with Kei beside her. Hand in hand they rocketed down, up and backwards through time itself.

Next instant they were standing in the middle of a frozen tundra ice shelf and suddenly Mooney was freezing her kawaii ass off! She shivered and Kei lit a cheroot and chuckled while clamping a 'morphing' bracelet on the kid's wrist and tapping it to put Mooney into a 3WA winter uniform identical to the outfit Kei used to wear way back when.

Of course Milady was warm as toast in her black ski suit, heavy boots, gloves, fur parka and furred hood. Then she laughed aloud.

"Oh kiddo! Any baka moron who jumps out of a 127th story window without a stitch o' fur on is a real looney! Whom is upholding whom now, Honey? By the way oro ever happened to that stupid lookin' neko o' yours?" guffawed the redhead.

"Stupid looking? You are certainly one to talk, Milady!" cried an indignant voice from inside Mooney's blazer!

"Luna! You naughty kitty! Come out of there and make yourself visible immediately!" ordered the blonde schoolgirl.

Slowly not unlike the Cheshire Cat in Alice a neko of the purest white slowly materialized in Mooney's arms. She blinked a few times and then became quite annoyed.

"Oro the Hell are we doing in this beastly place? I thought we were taking Milady back to her childhood!" she purred.

"That's what I thought too, Luna. Auntie Kei, I apologize for the mix-up but-" began Miss Usagi.

"You did, you airhead! This is where I hail from- 'Workoh' in the 'Omega' Galaxy. I was er sorta 'born' here same as Mugghi was. Not very many good things happened to me here before Mr 'X' found me and gave me a lift to 'Shimougou' when I was seven or eight. Seen enough or do you two baka idiots like freezin' your asses off?" demanded the Boss.

"But where are your parents, your schoolmates, your family and friends?" asked a puzzled Mooney. Kei laughed heartily.

"I said I was sorta born here dumbass! I ain't human ya know. Neither is Mugghi. We were like test tube babies I guesss you'd say. I never knew my sperm and egg donors. Neither did Mugghi ever know hers. Let's motor." said Kei sharply.

"Then who raised you, Milady?" inquired Luna politely. Kei struck her own chest.

"Me. I raised myself which was why I had to teach myself how to fight. The rest the Academy taught me. That's when I met the dipstick. I say I had to fight because I was not the sole inhabitant of this world and if we don't get a move on our asses, you'll meet the landlords!" explained the redhead, firing up her jet pack and leaping into the sky.

GAROUZST!

"What the Hell was that?" shouted Luna and Mooney in unison.

"Trust me, you don't wanna know. Now move it you two!" growled Kei from above their heads. Mooney rocketed up to join her and Luna crawled inside Mooney's blazer again. In a few moments they all three touched down in front of a building that looked like it was straight out of a Terran 'Star Trek' movie!

"Home sweet home. Welcome to the 3WA Academy, kiddies. I ran this dump for awhile before I quit the force with Iris and started 'Killers R Us' with her. Most of it's been rebuilt now. Hey airhead you dipstick! Don't ya say 'konnichi wa' to an old pal? Stuck up bitch! Puttin' on Alms House airs again, are ya?" fumed Milady O'Scrooge as Yuri Donovan strolled right past them.

"These are but shadows of what was and they have no conscience of us, Auntie Kei." said Mooney while Luna prompted her.

"Oro the devil's all that palaver mean, kid?" asked a perplexed redhead.

"How the Hell should I know? I'm only twelve for Kami's sake!" shouted Mooney indignantly while searching her pockets for a smoke before remembering oro her Auntie had done to her when she had caught her smoking!

Kei led the way to of all places the roof of the school! She stretched out on a blanket already there and belched. Then she blew a few smoke rings and speared them with her cheroot to Luna's astonishment and delight.

"This is where I went when I cut classes." she explained.

"And you graduated?" cried an astounded white neko unbelievably.

"Uh huh. Why not? I'd already memorized the lessons for all six years and that took me a whole bloody week! I graduated top of my class in weapons and combat. Yuri barely made it through. She still can't hit the broad ass side of a barn! When she had to qualify on ion cannons to pass, I did the shooting for her. She got a 75 outta a hunnert. I always shoot a perfect score of course. If I had done it for her though, Sensei Chief Lana Starr would have smelled a Prydonian rat for sure. I'm bored. What's next?" yawned Kei jumping to her feet and almost knocking Luna off the roof.

Mooney caught her by the tail and quickly stuffed her neko into Kei's backpack. She'd be safe there, Mooney hoped.

"Your offices when you were still with Iris McMarley. I was told to take you through your years on the force and stuff but I got a Latin exam to study for so you're getting an abbreviated tour. Shazaam!" yelled Mooney hoping she'd used her traveling stone's correct magical spell.

It worked. Next thing they knew the trio were in Kei's inner sanctum at 'KRU' on S-Cry-Ed Boulevard. Her 'office' was half the size of the dining hall aboard the 'LA2'! Luna immediately shivered and then turned up the dilythium heater core's rheostat all the way.

"Don't touch those controls! Dilythium's half a credit a kilo! Oh sorry I'm supposed to be kinder, right? OK but onegai drop that rheostat to half. Even Mooney will tell ya that's plenty of heat. Hiya, partner. Hey Iris kiddo! Oh that's right. We can see her but she can't see us. Aha! Yuri's forgotten to load those power packs for the new disruptors like Iris told her to. Look! If I agree to give her a 2K credit raise a week, can we move on to the next phase of this nightmare?" pleaded a bored Keirran.

"Make it a 10K raise and we can, Milady." replied Luna. Kei reached into a desk drawer for a cannon. Hastily Mooney added-

"She meant five, mum. OK? (Kei nodded and slid the cannon back inside the drawer and closed it) Fine. Let's visit another scene from your past and- Whoa! Where's your shithou- er your bathroom? I gotta go!" said Mooney while hopping up and down on the polished gold pressed Latinum floor. Kei pointed and the kid scooted up the hallway.

Luna purred when Kei kindly poured her a bowl of egg nog liberally laced with booze. The neko of course didn't know that it had been spiked! She lapped it all up greedily and then stumbled over to the desk and hopped up on the worktable. Suddenly Luna began belting out an offkey 'The restroom door said gentlemen and I walked right inside! I took two steps and realized I'd been taken for a ride!' in a high soprano shriek causing Kei to cover her ears. Bob Rivers had never meant for his parody of a Carol to be butchered like this! Of that the redheaded Hellcat was sartain sure! The door crashed open and there stood Charlie Garner in a long ermine trimmed fur bathrobe!

"Who's being murdered in here dammit?" he cried and swung a huge cornucopia around his head like a katana. Suddenly a small demure schoolgirl entered the room still zipping up her pants. She quickly rounded on Garner.

"Oro the Hell are you doing here, Uncle Chuck? Doctor #6 wasn't supposed to drop you off until tomorrow night! I'm still showing the dumbass her checkered past! And you suck at singing!" complained Mooney angrily.

" I wasn't singing, dear child. It was your kitten over there. She's drunk I think. OK I'm early so I'll wait here and take a snooze until it's my turn. I'm bushed. That Doctor fellow (#6 looked like Colin Baker) talked nonstop all the way over here from HQ." said the Territorial Sector Chief of the Aquarian Galaxy. Mooney nodded wearily and scooped up Luna who had blessedly stopped caterwauling and had gone to sleep. Then she began to snore.

"One more stop Auntie I promise. Luna's loaded so she'll stay here with Uncle Chuck. I just gotta get back to conjugating Latin verbs or Sister Brunhilda will warm my tail damned good if I fail this exam- again!" said the kid while muttering incantations and rubbing a strange red stone hung around her neck.

"Ain't ya supposed to click your heels together a few times and say ya wanna go home, kid?" asked a puzzled Kei while pouring out a tall 'Jameson's for herself. Mooney shook her head and finished with "-Time for this one to go home!" at which point Kei fell onto an old couch in a run-down flat in the poorer part of District 427 'Splattertown' of the city.

"Kathy, where do we keep the damned Vermouth? Hey! Wanna open this 'El Presidente' instead?" called a masculine voice from the kitchenette.

"I'm out! Let's just have some 'nog laced with 'Tullamore Dew' instead. Get your ass in here dammit! You said ya had somethin' to say to me so let's have it, baby!" howled a much younger and cuter Kei O'Scrooge who was lounging on the threadbare sofa in a mouse coloured dressing gown monogrammed 'SH', a present from Doctor 4 for her last birthday. He had said it had belonged to a famous sleuth who had fallen on hard times and been sheriffed out of 221-B Baker Street.

Unknown to many (For once Doc Watson kept his big trap shut when he was told) the buidding housing Holmes' and Watson's Baker Street lodgings was not owned by Mrs Esther Starr Hudson. She had lost it at a crap game to Robert St Simon who had given it to Holmes in payment for a case he'd solved for the almost penniless nobleman.

What neither he nor Holmes knew was that Mrs Hudson's late hubby Henry, a descendant of the famous Dutch explorer, had taken out a mortgage with a mathematics professor he played whist with whom he called 'Good Old Jimmy' and this fellow loathed the deerstalker wearing sleuth. When payment came due and Holmes had declared bankruptcy, he had foreclosed.

Holmes had retired to a cottage with the Watsons (By now Johnny was on wifey #6 hoping to set a record Liz Taylor couldn't break) and Esther Hudson who cared for the wee bairns (The youngest Watson was now teaching at Oxford) and kept house for this strange group. John had to speak crossly to his old roomie when he began using his hand lens to ascertain that Mrs H was not dusting properly. The last straw came when he began sticking parsley into the butter and then leaving it outside on the sundial in the garden so as to observe 'how far into the butter the parsley had sunk'!

Anyway Kei was and still is a slob that would have made Oscar Madison green with envy and I don't mean the Homunculus!

Anyway Kei's live-in partner was the descendant of the great ancient Terran Chinese actor Jackie Chan and his name was- Tro-Con First Class (jg) Jackie Chan! He handed Kei a mug of egg nog liberally sprinkled with cinnamon, nutmeg, mace and ginger.

Sitting down beside his lady love, he kissed her gently and then stuck out his hand, palm up.

"OK, it's clear you don't wanna get hitched so I want the ring back, Kathy. I need the swag as a down payment for a cottage on 'Galaluna IV' I've got my eye on. But I'll give ya one more chance. Will ya marry me or not?" said a nearly sobbing almost two metres tall and husky dark-haired guy.

"Not unless you have changed your mind about not resigning from the force and joining me and Iris as mercs. Have ya?" she demanded, standing up and staring at him with her cold ice green orbs. Slowly he shook his head sadly. Then he began to weep.

"I can't. I promised Mummy I'd make Chief Protocol officer someday." he blubbered.

"Here! Indian giver! Take the damned thing! I don't want it and now I don't want a crybaby like you either! Get out!" shouted Kei, flinging the ring with a huge 'synamond' (A 'synamond' was a 'repped' Terran diamond. Up there the strongest element was not Adamite (Diamond). It was pure Kelvinite which unfortunately was as common as bauxite is here) encircled by the 3WA logo.

Jackie staggered to the door (He couldn't hold his liquor either) and was half way down the hallway to the lift when he remembered something important and came back.

"But I live here! You live across town with Mar and Iris. So you get the Hell out, Kathy!" he shouted just as a crisp right cross took him down like a pole-axed steer!

"I told ya I'd do that if you called me 'Kathy' just once more dammit! The name's Keirran or Kei! I used to be a 'Lovely Angel' dammit!" she fumed at him. He rubbed his swollen jaw after she'd disappeared into the bedroom to change.

"You mean the infamous 'Deadly Dynamic Duo', the 'Dirty-" was all he got out before her now booted foot took him high in the chest bearing him to the floor. Standing above him and wearing only a dirty tee shirt and boxer shorts, she leaned heavily on his chest with her boot and spat in his upturned face.

"That's 'Lovely Angels' dammit! I don't know oro the Hell I ever saw in such a whining crybaby! You can keep the furniture too. Just send my trunk over to 'Nakasone Towers' if you will. It's all packed. Good night, Jackie. Too bad ya didn't know a good meal ticket when it almost bit ya in the ass! I can make more in a week than I'd make on the force in a year, baby!" she snarled before releasing him and returning to her packing.

"He's still on suspension for attacking the KP Chief's daughter when he was in his cups. He'll probably get the sack. Oro the Hell did I ever see in that big galoot anyway? This the end of the tour, Usagi? Maybe Gina can help ya with those verbs if you get back home before dawn. I'm tired. Let's blow this dump! I have had enough of this shit! I'll be outside waitin' for ya and don't keep me waitin', girl or you will regret it dammit!" seethed a very angry Kei.

"Huh? Whazzit? Time for breakfast?" yawned Garner when Kei's boot nudged his ribs none too gently either!

"Awaken sweet prince! It's your turn now. Usagi and that damned Neko went home." said Kei, drawing nearer to the table and discovering that 'somebody' had eaten all of her ramen! She glared icily at Charlie who hastily stuffed an empty ramen bowl inside his bathrobe.

"Come in and know me better, man." he quoted and Kei did a double take.

"Chuck! I told ya that ya needed to get those aizu (eyes) examined! I ain't no man! Now up and at 'em." she replied.

"Well you sartain sure ain't no lady either. Here. Drink this." said the now somewhat awake Yuyu of Kurusumasu Present. He poured out a generous dram from his cornucopia into a drinking horn he'd 'borrowed' from 'Hagar the Horrible' when he visited Norway in 'Worlds' Worlds' last summer.

"Oro is this stuff?" she asked making a wry face and gingerly tasting the concoction.

"The milk of human kindness, Katie and boy do you ever need it, girl." he replied and produced a pipe which he began stuffing with shag tobacco from the Persian slipper by his side. (Seems that everyone went to that Baker Street auction eh)?

"Yuck! There's no booze in this crap! I'd rather have a swig of 'poteen' instead." said Kei but Garner was quicker than she and grabbed the jug before she could get to it.

"Oh do take off that ridiculous jet pack! My cornucopia not only lights the way but its hyperdrives are even faster than your shuttles! Hold onto my robe and a-way we go!" he announced leaping out the window with Kei in tow.

"One o' these days, Chuckie, POW! ZOOM! Right up to the moons baby!" growled an angry former trouble consultant.

END of STAVE TWO. STAVE THREE 'Are we ready for some caroling?' or 'Carousin' with the Cratchits' coming soon.


	3. Stave 3 'Are We Ready For Some Caroling?

"Yuri Donovan's Christmas Carol- AD 2255"

DISCLAIMER: In keepin' with tradition, here is the late Iris (Lady Flair) McMarley to do the honours. According to my aunties, Miss Iris was the very first 'Kawaii Enjeru' that means Lovely Angel. OK mum, they are all yours.

Thanks kiddo. OK first off many many domo arigatou to our 'Father' the great Haruka-San Takachiho who created us. We honour him by renaming the Academy after him. Many arigatou as well to the other creators, artists, actors, writers, &c. whose characters, works, ideas we have used here and elsewhere. Any of our own original jazz anyone is welcome to use so long as they do oro we are doing now- give credit where credit be due. How was that, Shinny?

Shut the Hell up you dipstick! What do you know anyway? Just because you're playing the lead role you think you're hot shit or something? Remember that like Rich Little's WC Fields Scrooge, you too are a drunken sot! Put that cannon away afore ya hurt yerself! I'm roshii, a corpse, remember? Well that's enough for now but ya get the pix, right? We own nothing save our own creations and this brainchild about the happy holiday season of Kurusumasu. Here is Stave 3 and that's your cue, Mr Garner, sir!

STAVE THREE 'Are we ready for some caroling?' or 'Carousin' with the Cratchits'

"Shall we spread some warmh and good cheer, love? Below us, you will see 'Furool (Foo-Lon) City' and that edifice beneath us now festively lit in red and green is our own sorry my own 3WA HQ. Well you did work there once, Miss O'Scrooge! It was your own bright idea to resign, not mine. I always kept a slot open for the both of you should you have decided to return- you and Irish Mac.

"Our first stop is your niece's house. Miss Angie did invite you to celebrate Kurusumasu Ibu with her and Jett (Black of Bebop) but you said 'nai' (no). Why you don't like the holidays is beyond me. You adored Hall-o-we'en I know and Thanksgiving was always a favourite of both you and Irish Mac." said Garner the Yuyu (Spirit) of Kurusumasu Present.

"The Hell with Kurusumasu! If I have to put up with that brat Ed and her daffy pal Rinnie (Ed from Bebop and Rin from IY) and Ed's doggie (Ein the data dog) I'd scream. Last time I visited Angie and Jett, they went out for pizza and left me to babysit the kids! They never got back home for three days! You recalled Angie for a mission and Jett tagged along! One of ya could have comm relayed me t least! Winry Rockabelle (FMA/FMAB) showed up and the three of 'em spent the rest of the evening dismantling 'Raphael' when I fell asleep!" grumbled Kei.

"You mean passed out! I clean forgot to call you, love. That's the honest truth and that mission was vital to us. Why didn't you call Rio (DelCroix- Burn Up W) or Edna (Jordan- author's own creation she's Tomoh's sister and Jim Jordan's daughter. Daddy is a big shot in the 3WA. Both gals are tro-con trainees and currently serving aboard the LA2) to babysit so you could split, Katie?" asked a puzzled Charlie Garner.

"I did call them but they were at an all-night Clint Eastwood film fest! He's that ancient Terran actor they're both ga-ga over! Ain't we there yet, Chuckie?" complained the former tro-con cop.

"Yeah, we're here. Let's peek in the window." said Garner.

"Why? Ain't ya got the keys?" wondered Kei.

"No, it's not that. I don't want you wrecking the place on them. She and Jett are engaged now." explained the yuyu.

"No shit? Since when?" demanded Kei firing up a cheroot and wishing she hadn't forgotten to bring her pocket flask. All Garner had was that human sob stories milk. Yuck!

"About a month. They're announcing it tonight at the Kurusumasu party. They can't get married for another year though without my permission. I became her guardian when you refused you know, Katie. Angie's underage and would have needed to wait until she was 25 next year. I agreed to waive that extra year and allow them to wed in March. It'll be on the fifth- just after Yuri's birthday on the third. You'll be invited of course." said a beaming yuyu.

"And I'll say 'go to jigoku' of course. I hate weddin's and you know it too, Chuckie. I'm starvin' and that food looks delish! Can't we go inside?" pleaded Kei and Garner waved his cornucopia torch to open the door. Once inside, Kei pigged out on everything she could lay her mitts on! Charlie rescued the engagement cake just in the nick of time.

"Behave yourself and pretend you're a lady, Katie. They can't see us nor hear us but they'd sure as Hell notice if the cake got ruined! I'm glad that Jett's getting married again. Maybe it'll help him forget Linna on 'Ganymede' at last. Poor Angela. She always wanted her 'Grampy' to give her away (Khan had him tortured and then killed when he would not give up the map. See 'Galactic Treasure Hunt' for full details) but he's gone now. He's been dead almost as long as Irish has you know- five long years. She really would like her Auntie Kei at the wedding and the engagement party ashita ban (tomorrow night). That is another reason why Yuri was so pissed off when you sent her on that delivery run to Old man Waldess. Tiny Kome's going to be the flower girl you know. If, that is, she is still able to by then. Hush now, Jett's about to make a toast." said Garner.

"I have it on good authority that my own future auntie-in-law, Miss O'Scrooge yesterday donated a hundred credits to the Kenshin Himura Foundation for Widows and Orphans of Service Personnel. 'Tud' told me. Well I say Kami bless the kid and here's to my bonnie bride, Angie! Let's get snookered! Ya ready, Spike?" toasted Jett Black. Then at a nod from Spike and to his future wifey's horror, he dropped a shot of Romulan Blue Ale into his mug of 'Mother's Ruin' whiskey which Jonny Harlock had just smuggled in from 'Ryvylan VII' while Spike Steigel did likewise.

Then they both guzzled down their drinks as fast as they could. Spike finished last just a nanosecond after the big guy with the netal arm had crashed his flagon onto the table and almost toppled the cake. The two tomodachi (friends) shook hands and accepted stogies from Jonny.

After that, the guests milled around for a bit congratulating the bride and groom soon gonna be's before breaking off into smaller groups for games and refreshments. Kei nudged Garner and whispered in his ethereal ear.

"How the flaming Hell do I know when they'll cut the damned cake, Katie? You didn't want to come anyway, did you?" he thundered angrily. Kei pouted and became interested in the 'Duel Monsters' game which was eventually won by the team of Keitarou Riff and Annie Hathaway (Author's characters. Kei and Yuri's godson (Kei rescued him in 'Silver White Tracer' from the Colours Act of DPF) and his own fiancee. She was 3WA Sector Chief Ella Hathaway's kid) much to the chagrin of the team of Seta Kaibo and Yu-Gi-Oh Marasaki (Yu-Gi-Oh anime series but his last name is original) who lost a thousand credits!

With the cake still uncut (much to Kei's chagrin) Charlie Garner hustled her off to the Cratchits' place which was a tiny 6 room bungalow on Lower Middle Earth Plaza. Preparations for the night's festivities and the visit from Kringler Santerson (Every place in the Universes has a different name for the jolly gent in red ya know) were well underway. Tiny Kome and 'Artok-San' were busily 'repping up' the feast. Tiny Kome was mad at 'Artok-San' because although he had like all of 'CC's programs X-Ray vision, he would NOT tell the kid oro was in any of the wrapped gifts under the fifteen feet tall Yprian Spruce which Yuri and Kome had brought back home from 'Yars III' when they went there to pick up the railgun for the Boss last month.

Kei's mouth watered when she saw the feast. You see although by 23rd Century standards Yuri was grossly underpaid it was the future and almost everything was either free or 'replicatable' and everyone had a 'repper' or two. One thing that could not be repped and which did cost a bundle were operations especially for the kind of feverish flu virus that Tiny Kome had contracted at 'Asgardia', one of the several hundred moons of 'Valerian X' and her Mama blamed herself for that. She had been warned against taking a child beyond the 'Neutral Zone' between 'Valerian X' and 'Freya IV' but stubborn Yuri Donovan didn't believe the tales told by Captain Jonathan Harlock and others at the 'Moon Over Mayhem' every night.

Her daughter had accidentally fallen into a 'kryzilius maxthor' which was a huge 'Venus Flytrap'-like flower. She ingested the pollen and the following week she began showing signs of the almost incurable and almost always fatal disease! However, a doctor on 'Drylluk II' had just discovered a new process which had an 85.99% cure rate but it was damned expensive!

Milady O'Scrooge had refused point blank to even lend Mrs Cratchit the necessary credits. Ten thousand credits (she had told Yuri) does not grow on trees ya know! Of course that was a complete taradiddle in Milady's case because the average 'mark elimination' price was five times that amount. One thing you could not take away from Kei, she was the best in the business- bar none same as she had been as a 'Lovely Angel' tro-con.

At the sound of the portals swishing open, Yuri turned from her repping up dinner tasks to greet Angie and Kome, two of her seven daughters or was it six? Well, Charlie D. never made it clear how many bratts that Bobby Cratchit had, did he? Anyway before she could ask a question of Angie, the rest of her brood came barreling inside the house.

"Hot damn! Is it ever Kami shimatta frigid out there, Mummy! Where's the decanter? I'm frozen stiff dammit!" said the tall blonde Artemisia her eldest.

"Arty! Watch your language around the b-a-b-y! I could do with some hot java though. Hey there 'Artok', how about a nice steaming cuppa with half & half and 4 sugars? Meri Kurusumasu everyone." said the violet-haired Makoto who was two years Arty's junior and second eldest child. Makoto was a warrant officer in 'KASP' the Kaguran Air & Space Patrol. Her recent promotion had come as a result of a favour owed to Lance Edwards by the commander Dan Dastun.

"The restroom door said gentlemen so I just walked inside. I took two steps and realized I'd been taken for a ride!" crowed Elvira, a redhead three years younger than Makoto. Elvira was the only one of the six older sisters that had decided to carry on the family tradition and was now a third year tro-con cadet at Takachiho Academy. When she graduated she hoped to be assigned to one of Mama's old units- 237 or 9.

"Ka-Mi Ellie! Ya sound like a sick Trylorgian cow! The padre almost upchucked when you started singin' that old Bobby Rivers' 'God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen' pastiche! I felt so humiliated! Meri K to all hands. Gimme a green tea with honey 'Artok'! (She glanced at her wristchromo) Hurry up 'cause I got a flight to 'Dardanetto IV' in an hour. Sammit, I hate to work on Kurusumasu Ibu, that I truly do!" said the raven headed Valkyrie who was Yuri's third child and a senior pilot for Gamma Spaceways Line.

"Where is our Marlene, Mother?" asked a bespectacled brunette whose hair was shot with green and red for the holidays who had trooped in and unlike her sisters, carefully wiped her boots on the outside mat before removing them and entering the bungalow in her stocking feet. Winry was the second youngest kid but still five years Kome's senior. Winry attended the Academy as well but her area of expertise was in cryptography and codes. When she finished her studies, Winry would have a job in the codes department for the 'GP' (Galactic Police) who had granted her a scholarship before she was as old as Tiny Kome now was.

"Why ya worryin' about her, four eyes?" demanded her baby sister.

"And I ain't no damned baby, Mako! Ya call me one again and I'll clean yer clock fer ya, that I will dammit!" shouted Kome.

"Kome! You've been hanging out with Auntie Keirran too much! Do you want your mouth washed out with some of that pine tar soap that Gran (Pinato Rockabelle) used on her own Winry? Sorry I'm late guys but Mr H. insisted the whole store staff have several drinks with him and Tommy (Tanaka). Then I got stuck behind a guy that was only going at sub (warp) point six (Like a mere 4,000 kph! It's 2255, rememebr?) all the way from the (Higurashi) Mall! Any mail for me?" said a very tall blonde who bore the same name as Kei's former tro-con trainee- Marlene. She was in charge of the entire electronics wing at the Higurashi Mall where her namesake and her Auntie were no longer welcome! Why? (See Chapter 1 of 'Christmas with the Dirty Pair'). Marlene was a year older than Winry and adored her younger sisters. That meant she usually got saddled with baby sitting details.

"Tell me about that damned traffic, kiddo! I have a flight to take out in less than an hour. Nice to see ya, Mar." said Val.

"Yeah, man, do you look kawaii (lovely) in that red dress! Did ya get that at our Mall, Val?" asked Marlene.

"Nai, Mama gave it to me. She said it's the same dress Auntie Kei wore to her New Year's Eve bash years ago on 'Gysymeo', Blondie. Ain't it a stunner though? Who'd a thunk that our Auntie ever had a sense of style? Let's hurry and open our single gift so we can get dinner done afore I gotta split. Hey Ma! Oro's takin' ya so damned long?" called Valkyrie.

"Gimme a frigging break, will ya! Kome and I only got home an hour ago! That was one heck of a flight back from 'Old man Jimmy's moon let me tell you! Kome! Turn off Earth Blasters and set the table onegai. The rest of you please start 'anti- grav'-ing this food into the dining room. I want you to behave yourselves tonight. Johnny Raven's coming over to see us after dinner." said Yuri who was steering a heavily laden 'anti-grav' trolley to the table.

"How did 'Tiny Kome' behave at church, Angie?" asked their Mother quietly while the rest of her clan chowed down.

"As good as gold pressed Latinum and even better, Mummy. She said she hoped folks knew how sick she was because they should remember that it was Susannah Oh (Kami in Shintoism) who made lame guys walk and gave the blind their seeing vizors." explained Angela.

"Like anybody really gives a shit about anyone but their own damned selves these days, right Val?" growled Artemisia who was trying to pull the bowl of melted potragos away from Ellie.

"Hey Makkie! How long a leave did 'Old Dustman' (Dan Dastun) give ya?" asked 'Tiny Kome' while chewing her roast Argorian beast steaklet.

"Kome! If there is any more disrespectful or foul language out of you tonight, I will tell


	4. Stave 4 'Who Gives A Damn Anyway'Wait

Yuri Donovan's Christmas Carol- AD 2255

DISCLAIMER: In keepin' with our own ff tradition, here is Artemisia Hawking-Donovan-Cratchit to do the honours. Let's get this crap over with already! For those of ya too baka to know any better, I'm Yuri's oldest daughter and BION folks there are eight count 'em baby- 8 of us! All females and my 7 sisters- Hey! Does that make us the Unholy 8 I wonder? Anyway in descending order after me are Angela (Named after Lt de Roncesvalles); Makoto (Named after the Ghostly major); Elvira (Named after the Mistress of the Night); Valkyrie (either named after the failed ancient Terran plot to ice Mr H or that baka fatass blonde battle maiden of the Vikings); Marlene (Named after guess who?); Winry (Named after another no brainer in more ways than one) and Tiny Kome (Named after the pink freak well that's oro Auntie Kei called her).

Daddy is Jimbo Hawking Cratchit and Auntie Kei says he's roshii (dead) but Mama says he just went MIA )Missing In Action for non-Combat! freaks) after his last mission for Kommandant Dastun. I think he just sobered up and called Captain Gene (Starwind of the 'Outlaw Star') and took off with him when he realized oro was waiting at home for the poor guy! Us! Oh yeah and Mama and Auntie too. Yeah OK Val! Don't you got a flight run or something? Get the jigoku outta here dammit! Well I'd better do this bloody Disclaimer or Story Teller Guy will have a royal fit!

OK first off many many domo arigatou (Thank You but in Japanese there ain't no plurals) to our 'Father' the great Haruka-San Takachiho who created Mama and Auntie Keirran. We honoured him by renaming the Academy after him. Many arigatou as well to the other creators, artists, actors, writers, &c. whose characters, works, ideas we have used here and elsewhere. Any of our own original jazz anyone is welcome to use so long as they do oro we are doing now- give credit where credit be due. How was that, Auntie Keirran?

Shut the Hell up you dipstick! What do you know anyway? Just because you're playing the lead role you think you're hot shit or something? Remember that like Rich Little's WC Fields Scrooge, you too are a drunken old sot! Put that cannon away afore ya hurt yerself! Well that's enough for now but ya get the pix, right? We own nothing save our own creations and this brainchild about the happy holiday season of Kurusumasu. Here is Stave 4 and that's your cue, Mr Ryuuk, sir! Mr Yagami?

Who the Hell's with my bird-brained Auntie? Hey 'Artok', did you hear me? Ouchie! Oro the Hell was that for, Mama? When you were my age, you were already a senior tro-con and I'll bet you used worse language than that! (AN- Yuri may get angry but unlike Kei she tries NOT to use profanity if possible! Arty, you would do well to emulate her fine example).

Stave 4 'Who gives a damn anyway?' or 'Wait'll I get my hands on her ass darn it all!'

"Soon as I load up on some more apples for the trip, Kathy. Hey Light! Make it a bushel and rep me up something for Lardass here to tote 'em in! Behave yourself Milady or Light will write your name in my book and I'll have to drag you to Hueco Mundo!" grumbled the surly death god shinigami.

"Nai Ryuuk. She'll go to the Soul Society. Christ! They might even make her a soul reaper! Oh boy! They're short on captains over there! Yoruichi told me that at lunch the other day. (Light and Ryuuk were bumming a ride on the 'Lovely Angel 3' after Jan and Feb wheedled Commander Angel into it). With her abilities, Reds is sure to make captain easy! Here's Ry's apples, Reds." chortled the guardian of the Death Book and he tossed a satchel at Kei. She hefted it and glowered at them both.

"Are we gonna stand here in the frigging street all bloody night dammit? Lead on MacDuff and damned be he that first cries 'Hold! Enough!' already!" growled the Boss Lady while badly misquoting the Bard's 'Scottish' play!

"Yummy! Light, where do we have to Stupid first?" asked a bored death god while grabbing more apples from Kei's satchel. She fumed inwardly but bit her tongue and said nothing.

"The 'Mercenaries' & Thieves' Guild' according to the script. It's on Cop 'Em & Catch 'Em Lane. Turn right up ahead. Then straight on 'til morning. Shimatta! Somebody got Mr Dickens' and Sir Jimmy Barrie's (Peter Pan's creator) MS mixed up here! About a quater of a kilometre. Hail a cab, Ry." said Light while Kei began to think this was either Wonderland, the other side of the looking glass, Oz, Never Never Land or the inside of a black hole!

"Hail us a cab? Are you on LSD, Light? The pilot (Cabs fly in 2255 and this is Kami knows how many years after that!) will take one look at Super Ugly there and run a lightyear! Oh yeah we ain't visible to these dudes, are we? Go for it, Ry. My feet hurt. I forgot my soul enjeru today." chuckled their impossible charge while igniting yet another cheroot. She blew a smoke ring and frowned.

Ryuuk was having no luck hailing a cabbie because naturally the pilots couldn't see him! Kei stepped in front of the giant megalith and drew twin Mark XIII ion cannons. Leveling them at the oncoming aircar taxi (Bruce Willis had one in Fifth Element) she fired and the cabbie whooshed right through her!

Calmly Light piecked both she and Ryuuk up and shoved them inside a passing flying taxi and followed them in. A few moments later the poor pilot of an empty cab felt a violent thump on the side of his temple! Instinctively he stopped, turned and stared at- nothing!

Light and his two charges strolled up the steps to the Guild Hall, boarded a turbolift and were deposited onto a balcony overlooking the trading floor where assassins were bought and sold. Marks were offered and accepted for varying amounts of credits but even the cheapest 'hit' cost around 5K credits. Kei stared and suddenly got very angry!

"Waldess! Oro the Hell? He never deals with anyone but me! Oro's he doin' with the Uchiha Assassins Clan? Did they undercut my prices or somethin' dammit? Let me at his ass! Move it, Ugly!" yelled Milady O'Scrooge angrily. Light calmly struck her right wrist with his Book and deftly caught the cannon before it hit the floor.

"These are shadows of oro is to be or that might be. They have no consciousness or awareness that we are here, Reds. Wait! This is the future and this is where you smoke and booze away your free time, right? (Kei glowered, her aizu were keen kanai) So Milady- where the Hell are you? No hints, Ry! (The behemoth Grim Reaper munched an apple and looked away guiltily. He had been about to point to the front portals above which was a huge portrait of Keirran in better times. The caption beneath read: 'In Memoriam of Keirran O'Shaughnessy O'Halloran O'Scrooge. She never met a mark she liked- ever.' That, of course, would have given away the game). Well Milady?" demanded Light Yagami defiantly.

"Yer right, schoolkid. Where in the Sam Hell am I? (She glanced at her wristchromo and frowned) Light, are we in the same time era zone? (He nodded). I'm always here by this time of day. The early merc finds the worms ya know." chortled the redhead.

"When did the old harridan buy it, Jimmy?" asked a tall dour Scot from 'Andvari II' but Waldess shook his head.

"Dunno, Mr MacGyver. I only know I called 'round there earlier to bring some mark offers but the shop was shut tight. Even that pesky thing wasn't there. There was a black power packs wreath on the door though. Guess sometime last night eh?" replied an even taller gentleman in a grey flightsuit.

"I'm hungry chaps. Wonder if they'll provide a luncheon for the bloody mourners? If they do, I don't mind watching while they jettison the body into the aether, that I surely do not. However, I must be fed or the Hell with it!" said a fiery violet-aizued redheaded guy of 70 summers and a lot more winters or so appeared Kelsey Kenshin Himura VI, a direct descendant of the ancient Terran battousai Samurai warrior.

"75 K and not a farthing more, sir! I just want the fellow dead. No need to stuff and mount him for me dammit! Highway robbery! It's getting so you can't buy a decent 'icer' for less than 40 K these days!" fumed Waldess who was almost as cheap as MacGyver and Himura!

"I don't go all mushy over a stiff either, Light but oro a way to yak about a corpse! Wonder who the old fool was anyway?" wondered Kei and Light coughed discreetly to cover a chuckle.

"Don't nobody care about oro happened to this poor stooge?" demanded Reds. Light snapped his fingers and Ryuuk waved his hand. Instantly they were transported to a very squalid sector of District 427 aka 'Splattertown'. Kei made a wry face.

"Why didn't this dimwit do that in the first damned place, Yagami? Would've saved us a lot of trouble and pain!" she complained, rubbing her tender posterior.

"Sorry, I forgot Ry could do that, Kathy. Anyway, we're here." replied a sheepish Light Yagami.

"Where?" she asked dubiously but still stepped into the small (Think of a Motel 6 motel- the whole place not just a room) building. Holding court was Naraku. Standing before him with their tributes were Orochimaru (undertaker); Jinenji's Mama (laundress) and Mrs MacCrimmon (the O'Scrooge landlady) or so it seemed.

"Oro hast thou brought for me this day, my children?" demanded the evil hanyou (half youkai demon and half human man).

All three tried to push past each other until Lord Jaken struck the floor with a two-headed Janus staff which emitted flame which singed all three naughty kids.

"One at a time to see His Lordship, onegai." said the small toad youkai demon.

"I'll go first since males are superior to females." announced the slimy Orochimaru while Oona and Sadie kicked him in the ass.

"I got a few deeds, some weaponry and a few sutra papers." he said in an oily voice. Naraku pointed to the junk, then to Jaken.

After a few computations on his PDO he announced "350 Credits and a thousand double $$ and His Lordship is being generous."

Orochimaru snarled but snapped up the swag and snapped "Your turn, Oona, my dear." tot the laundress lady.

"I got a sheet, sixteen old 3WA uniforms, two 'morphing' bracelets, a wristchromo, a flask and a dozen power packs." said the older woman, reading from her own PDO.

Jaken's pronouncement was "2 million woolongs, 150 credits, 550 double $$ and 15 triple cents, my dear lady."

Sadie MacCrimmon snapped her fingers and a dour Scot of 30 summers lunbered in toting two heavy sacks which he upended onto the floor. Out spilled a bunch of electronic junk. Sadie tapped her PDO and began to read off the list.

"4 anti grav trolleys, 17 force beam barrier generating units, 15 'replicators', mostly working, several vidchips and och aye! Jamie, whar be that danged 25 foot monstrosity? (The Scot hauled out a long python snake causing Naraku and Oona to flinch). That's the lot, Mr N. How much, Shortie?" she finished and repocketed her PDO unit.

"No pets. As for the rest- 5 million woolongs, 8K credits, 2K double $$ and say 60 Universals for the thingy." announced Jaken.

Naraku nodded and then pointed to Orochimaru. 'Jakem, give him the snake. He is one you know." he chuckled merrily.

"Look who's talking! So are you, Naraku!" seethed the Ninja Jonin angrily but still accepted the cash from the toad toady.

"Always a pleasure doing business, ladies, sir. A tidy profit from such a cheapass son of a bitch I must say. Nip back up there and toss the place. There's got to be a safe. Anything else you guys find we split 50-50 OK? (They all beamed happily) Just kidding! 60-40 same as always. Now get up there before Mustang's 'KP' goons beat you to it dammit!" ordered Naraku.

"Wow! Who the Hell'd they just rip off I wonder?" exclaimed Kei. The room seemed to have changed. Now they were in a 23rd Century mortuary. The guy in charge looked exactly like Phantasm's tall man- Angus Scrimm. He was in the act of uncovering a stiff lying on a Carbonite slab protected by a force beam barrier fence.

"Can you identify the deceased, my dear lady?" he asked and a woman whose face was blocked out like they did on those ancient Terran TV reality shows croaked "Yes, sir. That is my employer, sir."

"You mean it was, my child. The deceased will be jettisoned at midnight. Get your seat early. Don't forget the popcorn and beer. My assistant will give you your tickets, Milady. How many? Well, let's make it an even dozen then. See you tonight." said the scary funereal funeral director at 'Shadow Moons Anonymous' which was where they planted roshii without wills.

"Who was that, Ry? Light, would you tell your pet to stop zapping me all over the bloody place?" yelped Kei as she tripped over a huge Enjeru grave marker. In the 23rd Century on this planet and its many moons only the markers were there. The bodies were floating in space somewhere. It's a wonder none of the starships ever bumped into any, ain't it? Ryuuk finished the apples and waited for Light to rep up some more. He pointed to the stone. Kei blanched lily white.

"Wait a sec! Oro happened to Yuri's brood and that brat o' hers, Kome?" yelled the redhead clutching at straws to avoid her fate.

At a nod from Yagami, Ryuuk transported them to the waterworks well really the Cratchit bungalow but when 9 females get together and they're practically all bawling well you get the pix eh? Oh really just 8 'cause Tiny Kome was doing an 'astral projection' number while they waited to see if Milady O'Scrooge got the message or not.

"My poor poor poor Tiny Kome! We'll all miss her terribly even if she could be a real pain in the ass at times!" wailed Yuri Donovan-Hawking-Cratchit. Winry handed her a third case of tissues and nodded wearily. ]

"She's not roshii yet, Mama! For Christ's sake, Dr Marcos said as soon as he gets his 'red stone' outta the hock shop he should be able to save her ass! She's just in a coma so stop blubbering and start dinner. That'll take yer mind off the little fire hazard!" comforted Artemisia, her eldest daughter.

"Mercury is in the Moon of Endor while Kagura is in the house of Gysymeo. Anyone know what Kome's sign is? All I can remember is it was damned cold when those two alchey kids offered to help. The big one soothed Mama but all the short one did was moan because all he could do was boil water by touching the bucket! Mama and Kome used to visit them and that dipstick blonde we named Winry after. I think they lived on that dumpy world in Amestris. Oh Kome! Stop being such a baby and come out of that coma so Mama will shut up for Kami's sake!" howled Angie.

Valkyrie glanced at the wall chromo. "Almost five. If she croaks before seven, I can jettison her ass into orbit around 'Gaspar', 'Melchiorre' and 'Balthazaar'. Those are the three newest Evangelion Sector stars. Kome liked the stars. Hell, oro the oni didn't she like?" said the pilot daughter.

"She loves money. I know that." said a tall dark-haired guy sitting on the sofa and trying to catch the latest race results from Dantoonine.

"You're still pissed off 'cause she beat your ass at 'Duel Monsters', Uncle John." giggled Marlene.

"My little babushka's roshii and none of you give a darn!" blubbered Yuri, breaking open her fourth case of tissues.

"When's dinner dammit?" chorused the pigs, Elvira and Makoto.

"I wonder how much it would cost to have the stiff flown to Worlds' Worlds so we can plant her in a real graveyard?" mused Artemisia. "Maybe that would shut Mama up! Is it snowing yet? I want to try out my new Nirvash LFO." finished Arty.

"Not yet, Miss Artemisia. Another hour I think." said 'Artok' just as the portals crashed open.

"'Tain't a fit night out fer man nor beast, that it ain't. I got my stone back. How's our patient?" asked Dr Ferdy Marcos.

"She's dead!" wailed Yuri and the good doctor fainted dead away. His own amyl nitrite brought him around again while everyone tried to explain that Yuri was off the deep end and that there was no change in Tiny Kome."

"Poor kid! I hope the doc can pull her through OK." whimpered Milady O'Scrooge. Light turned a stony face to her.

"Why? Didn't you say 'if they'd rather die, let 'em do it and decrease the surplus population?' to Mr Garner?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah sure but I meant the Cardassians and the Ferengi creeps, not Yuri's kid dammit all!" howled Reds who was now rivaling Yuri in blubbering it seemed.

"The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. Crime doth not pay." observed Ryuuk from his corner where he had found Mako's stash of candied apples.

"Oro the Hell does that have to do with this?" asked Light Yagami while Kei contemplated raiding Yuri's liquor cabinet and Light recalled he had a history exam in the morning and still one more place to squire Milady tonight.

"You guys had all the good lines and I had next to none." sulked the shinigami.

"I have failed! The Philosopher's Stone is a piece of shit! I'm going to become an Ishvaalan monk dammit! Miss Kome has succumbed to her long illness. May Kami have mercy on her tama (soul). I am heartily sorry for your loss. I'll send Denny over with my bill after the new year. Good afternoon, ladies, Mr Raven, sir." said a crestfallen Dr Marcos.

"Let's play blind man's bluff!" crowed Elvira.

"With all of us girls except for Uncle John? Get real, Ellie!" said Arty.

Yuri finally dried her kawaii aizu and sat up. "Time I got dinner started. We'll all miss the kid I'm sure. Darn it! I'll have to find a new job! Wonder if Mr Gustav will give me my old TC job back? Pass me the vidphone onegai." she said and John Raven was by her side in an instant.

"You're upset, my dear. You're starting to sound like well mustn't speak ill of the dead. Dan Dastun called and there's a chance we may have found Jimbo. So even though you've lost the kid you'll be gaining- Me and my big mouth!" said John just before Yuri turned the waterworks back on- full blast!

"I'm starvin' so let's go see Angie and Jett. I ain't goin' anyplace after that but home! Oro are we doin' in the graveyard again?" asked a puzzled Keirran O'Scrooge. Ryuuk pointed to the nearest marker stone and just then a crack of lightning lit up the words on the stone- 'Keirran Maureen Deirdre O'Shaughnessy O'Halloran O'Scrooge' and she went ballistic!

"Who got me such a cheapass lookin' marker? I had plenty socked away on 'Sontarran' don't ya know! OK I'm sorry and I won't be so bossy and cheap no more and uh I'll keep Kurusumasu well and all the year. The yuyu of Garner, Mooney, the Thing and you Light Yagami will strive within me and I ain't gonna shut off the lessons that they teach. Boy! Did this Dickens guy ever have a real life? This drivel is killin' me dammit! OK, home James." reasoned Kei. Necessity at last won out over duty and Light and Ryuuk vanished. He had a test tomorrow and he needed to cram tonight.

Kei trudged the rest of the way home, fuming at whoever let yuyu out without keepers!

END of Stave 4. Stave 5 'There & Back Again' or 'Now & Then, Here & There' coming soon.


	5. Stave 5 'There & Back Again'Now & Then

YURI DONOVAN'S CHRISTMAS CAROL- AD 2255 STAVE 5

DISCLAIMER: We do this every single time we post, Tiny Kome. So do yer thing, kiddo. The floor is yours.

OK folks first off a big domo arigatou to Mr T 'cause without him to quote Rich Little we wouldn't have no show or in our case fanfiction for ya. A big domo arigatou to all them other dudes and dudettes like Mr Dickens, Mr Nation, Ms Rumido, Mr Doyle and the rest of the great guys and gals what created the characters, places, things and stuff that we have been usin' and we're real grateful to 'em too! Anyone is free to use our well Story Teller Guy and the big Boss Man's creations well like me and Yuri Donovan's other seven kids! Only thing though is if ya use any o' their stuff kindly give 'em thanks and credit for 'em 'cause it's tit for tat and turnabout is fair play. Ka-Mi Mommy! Who writes this crap anyhow? Don't nobody speak plain Universal no more?

Well here's the fifth and final (Arigatou Kami) stave of this pastiche of the great Victorian classic and trust me folks- there ain't never been a Scrooge like Keirran O'Scrooge ever nor will there ever be in the future! At the end of Stave 4 we left Milady O'Scrooge trudging back home through the mean streets of District 427 aka Splattertown. A very dangerous neighbourhood to eb sure but did that worry Her Ladyship at all? Hell no!

STAVE 5 'There & Back Again' or 'Now & Then, Here & There'

Kei fumed at whoever it was that was in charge of these damned yuyu of Kurusumasu Past, Present & Whatever. These yuyu were bloody baka nutcases! The last two morons (Light Yagami and his pet shinagami death god Ryuuk) had just dumped her ass here in the middle of Splattertown! No lady was safe on these thoroughfares at night but whoever called Keirran O'Scrooge a lady? These roads were so deadly at night that none of the 'KP' pilice forces would patrol here at night and Chief Roy Mustang had a hard enough time of it getting anyone to patrol here in the daytime!

"Well 'ullo there Lovey. On yer way 'ome from a fancy dress ball, are ye? Let's have yer purse and be quick about it too!" snarled a very nasty looking bloke with a scar down the left side of his lantern jaw. Either this idiot had had a few too many tonight or he was just plain baka stupid! Everyone in the Thieves' Quarter knew the Ice Lady and avoided her like the plague!

This nitwit, however, tried to snatch Kei's satchel (It was empty of course since she'd had no time to pack even her pocket flask of booze before being hustled away on her adventures in Looney Asylum Land! ZAP! Faster than lightning in the day Milady's laser sword blade had flashed out and the would be footpad thief barely saved his fingers from being sliced off!

"Are you insane, pal o' mine or just plain stupid? I could've had you ready to be fitted for a hook hand if I hadn't have pulled back at the last second! It's Jeremy Hawking Cratchit, ain't it? Jimbo's brother and my clerk Yuri's brother-in-law? Oro are ya doin' wanderin' the streets o' Splattertown this late at night? Ya must really be hurtin' fer swag if ye're desperate enough to take on me for Kami's sake!" growled the fearsome redhead. She extinguished her laser beam blade and returned the hilt to her pocket.

"Keirran? Keirran O'Scrooge? I kiss the book, mum! I didna know it was yerself! I am doon on me luck not even havin' the price o' a small drink to me verra name! I am heartily sorry fer accostin' yerself in such a surly manner and fer tryin' to rob ye like a common footpad brigand. I'll bid ye goo' night, mum." said Jeremy, tipping his cap to her.

"Wait. C'mon home with me. Yer sister-in-law would never forgive me if I turned away even a scurly knave like you who i in need o' help. Have ye any word o' yer brother Jimbo, me lad?" asked Kei while they walked side by side down Zandar Zan Boulevard. She had debated stopping in for a quick nightcap but could not remember which of the dives she hadn't yet been banned from for good. Besides she preferred her own booze from ancient Terra's Erin to the rotgut hooch they served around here.

The day was just dawning and the first of the three suns had not yet risen when Kei and Jeremy reached Kei's apartment house. Harry Potter was rubbing sleep out of his aizu when he answered her loud tattoo on the outer portals. Kei had left without her door or key codes and a dubious Harry finally admitted her and Jeremy.

For a fashion buyer for a large department store chain, Milady O'Scrooge certainly kept some odd hours and had some very weird friends as well. Oh well mused Harry to himself mine is not to reason why and Kei's tips were not miserly either!

Kei had never let Harry Potter the parking dock attendant/night porter at Nakasone Towers know oro she did for a living even when she was still a tro-con on the force. She and Marlene Angel had told the laddie that they worked as fashion buyers for a very large department store chain. That and a thousand credits a month retainer kept Harry's big trap shut!

Marlene had of course moved out while Kei was still on the force and now lived with Ella Hathaway in Krillin Estates Condos across the esplanade from Kei's place. The lift soon deposited Kei and Jeremy on Floor 127 and she and Jeremy staggered their way to the door of 127-D. Kei hit the klaxon buzzer and a sleepy sounding 'Tud' replied "Whom is calling?"

"Ya know damned well it's me, stupid! Now open the damned portals right now!" howled his mistress angrily and 'Tud' hastened to comply. Once inside Kei repped up a strong pot of java for she and Jeremy. 'Tud' busily read off a list of vidphone messages to which Kei said either 'trash it', 'file it' or 'forget it' until he came to the one with Angie & Jett inviting her for Kurusumasu dinner.

"Send my regards and tell my niece and her fiancee that I accept her kind invitation and will be there on time too." commanded the redhead.

"And 'Tud' onegai cut a cashiers cheque for 10K credits and send it to Mrs Yuri Cratchit. Look up the address in the vid-dex. Just put a note with it reading 'Meri Kurusumasu to you. Hope this will get Tiny Kome well again.' Sign it 'A Friend'. And no hints that it's from me either. Got all that?" yawned a sleepy Keirran.

"Yes, Milady. Anything else?" inquired 'Tud'.

"Yeah. Ask my niece if it would be OK fer me to bring Yuri and her brood over fer dinner as well as myself. Oh and she'll probably bring Johnny Raven. I'm bringing Jeremy Cratchit but don't mention that to anyone. He's a surprise fer Yuri. (The vidphone rang). Answer that and I have retired fer the night if it's business." said Kei for once pleasantly. After a few moments 'Tud' spoke.

"It's er Mr Cratchit, mum. Mr Jimbo Cratchit. Shall I ask him to call back in the morning, mum?" asked the 'CC' subordinate but Kei had already snatched up her own vidphone.

"Jimbo? Is that really you? At long last is that really yerself? Yuri's been worried sick all these months. Jeremy? He's here with me. I got no idea where he lives. I just ran across him tonight. Tell ya what Jimbo. Where are ya now? The 'Blue Spider' in 'GekiGanger'? Great! Tomorrow afternoon you go to Angie's place nai not your daughter Angie. My niece Angie de Roncesvalles. She lives on Fremont Street- #12478. Tell her I sent ya and ask her to hide ya until Yuri shows up with me and the kids. I'll bring your brother too. He's a bit under the weather but he'll be OK by tomorrow. Huh? Tiny Kome? I got a gut feelin' that she's gonna be just fine, Jimbo. See ya tomorrow. Oh by the way, Angie's gonna announce her engagement tomorrow to Jett Black. Remember him? The big galoot that owns the 'Bebop'? Yeah, that's the one- the guy with the metal arm but mum's the word OK? Fine. Now get some sack time and all will be revealed tomorrow. G'Night." finished Kei and tossed the vidphone down.

The chromos stood at 0300 or 3 AM but of oro day? Kei neither knew nor cared anymore. All she wanted was the gift of Morpheus- blessed sleep. She dropped off as soon a sher head hit the pillows and she slept fitfully until 'Tud' unlatched the door for Kei's housekeeper Mrs MacCrimmon whom, as per usual, had prepared a sumptuous repast for her 'lambie poo' charge.

"Wake up, Milady! (The old Scotswoman unbarred the shutters and drew open the blinds. Suddenly the dazzling brilliance of 'Shimougou's triple suns blinded Kei who just turned over and pulled the covers over her head and went back to Dreamland.

Undeterred, Mrs MacCrimmon threw open the windows letting in more sunlight beams and a bracing windy day of minus 6 degrees Kelvin or 35 degrees below zero Fahrenheit! Mrs Mac believed in lots of cold bracing fresh air much to Kei's chagrin!

"5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and-" intoned 'Tud' when right on cue Kei screeched and shivered as she bounded from her bed and reached the windows at the same time as Mrs Mac did.

"I'm shuttin' that damned window! It's friggin' frigid in here!" howled Milady.

"Nae ye dinna, 'lambie poo'! Fresh air is good fer ye! Now eat yer breakfast, lovey." crooned a determined Scotswoman.

"Did ya make enough for the 'Black Watch' again? Well, go pester Jeremy Cratchit. He's in the spare room with- oh my Kami!" yelled Kei, making a beeline for the spare room which Jeremy was sharing with 'Kakashi' only he didn't know it yet!

Kei needn't have worried. Jeremy had 'Kashi' wrapped around his shoulders and he was scratching his tummy while 'Kashi' nestled himself into Jeremy's chest like a kitten. Jeremy finished feeding 'Kashi' the last of his bannock bread and the python carefully uncoiled himself and slithered under the bed to digest his repast.

"I fergot that you had already met 'Kashi'. He can be quite a handful to strangers. Mar can't stand him nor could Iris. Guess I better get started. 'Tud'! Call up those dudes who are collectin' fer the poor kids and pledge (She tapped an amount into her PDO vidpad and both Jeremy and 'Tud' whistled). Not a single triple cent less! There's a good many back payments in arrears that I gotta make up fer! (She fished Jeremy's own PDO vidpad (In 23rd Century space the universal currency was in credits and these PDOs were the same as a 21st Century 'virtual wallet') out of his pocket and tapped in 5K credits). Can't have your brother thinkin' that I let ya run around broke now can I kiddo?" chuckled Kei merrily.

"But Milady, it's way too much-" spluttered the younger Cratchit brother.

"Nonsense. I can well afford it. (Jeremy looked wistful) Nai, don't even think it. I am not retiring from the merc business but I am going to cut down to only a few jobs a year from now on nd yeah I'm givin' yer sister-in-law a raise too. I'll help her and the kids too if she'll let me that is. (Jeremy looked at Kei like she'd just escaped from 'Beldamme XII' the galactic insane asylum colony). My friend, I am not outta my ever lovin' mind. Rather I have come to my senses thanks to three yuyu nai make that four yuyu who have shown me the correct path to take. I had just been ditched by the last two when we er ran into each other. We'll say no more about that meeting to anyone, Jer. It'll be our little secret, right? Now come help me polish off Mrs Mac's goodies. She always makes more than enough for an army!"chortled Milady and Jeremy followed her out the door.

'Tud' had repped up a new suit for Jeremy and was now polishing his boots. Suddenly it sounded like a were-neko youkai were being disemboweled while still alive! The screeching came from Kei's boudoir and Jeremy hastened to her door and rapped loudly before bursting in.

"I am not gonna wear a dress, you old hag! And you can't make me either dammit!" howled the redhead, standing by the bureau in a green tank top and crimson bikini briefs. Littering the floor around her feet were several frilly evening frocks and gowns.

"Ye awful hussy! Y are too gonna wear a dress! 'Tis yer niece's engagement party and ye are not gonna go there lookin' like a bum! Oro will the other housekeepers think o' me if I let ye go to a party in a dirty tee shirt, sandals and capris? Good heavens! Ootside, Mr Cratchit if ye please! Ladies only in the boudoir! (She ushered Jeremy out to the hall then slammed and locked the door). Now as to whether or not I kin or no kin make ye wear a dress-" seethed a very angry Mrs MacCrimmon.

"I'd love to see ya try it, ya old hag!" shrieked Kei as loud as she could.

Crashes, bangs, bumps, shouts, screams, screehes continued unabated scaring the living Hell outta poor Jeremy. Finally at about 1700 hours (5 PM and the party was for 1900 or 7 PM) all went quiet as the grave. Then slowly Kei stepped out of her bedroom or rather she came out at the end of Mrs Mac's brogues!

The redhead looked stunning in a sea-green ankle length gown shot with silver and trimmed in aqua. Matching green heels and gloves completed the ensemble. A green fedora hat was canted at a rakish angle on her head and Kei swung a small green evening purse from its chain like a 'bloody bird' martial arts weapon.

"Nai 'lambie poo'! A lady carries her purse demurely in her hand. Where's yer fur wrap? Wait here while I get it." ordered the housekeeper and she bustled back into Kei's room. She was back a second later and wrapped a silver kyune (fox) stole around Kei's shoulders. Then Mrs Mac straightened the seams of Kei's stockings and felt around her right thigh. She grimaced.

"Give me that cannon, Milady! Ladies do not go to parties armed to the teeth! (Reluctantly Kei reached inside her gown's waistband and tossed down a Mark XIII ion cannon. Mrs Mac turned to Jeremy). I had to take two kanai daggers, a brace o' Mark III derringers, a tante dagger and a 'bloody card' away from her! Thank me lucky stars I locked up the shurikins and 'bloody birds' before I went downstairs this morning. You're not carryin' any heat sir, are ye?" asked a dubiously cautious Mrs MacCrimmon.

"Me? I hate cannons. That's why I never followed the family creed and becae a cop! Search me if ya like, Mrs Mac. I'm clean." replied Jeremy. Mrs Mac giggled and waved him to the stairs. Kei reluctantly followed her escort to the door where she bellowed out to Harry Potter to 'send the damned sky sled to the roof dock' and Jeremy cringed. Then they took the lift to the roof where Harry had just sent the sky sled. They piled aboard and Jeremy offered to drive. Three guesses who did the honours.

After hitting only five chimneys, six vid TV aerials and being pulled over for reckless flying only once (Kei got a warning and Jeremy saluted the cop) Kei slid to a halt in her niece's driveway. Dragging Jeremy (who was in shock) out of the sled by his necktie, Kei beat a heavy tattoo on the door and shoved her way inside while dragging poor Jeremy along for the ride.

"Shit! I clean fergot to call Yuri and the kids and invite 'em and tell Yuri to bring Johnny Raven along to here. I am an idjit!" said Kei.

"Ya sure as Hell got that right, Auntie. Not to worry. I had Jett go over and personally invite Auntie Yuri, the kids and Mr Raven too and I told the big galoot mum's the word on the Cratchit boys. I sure hope the 'Mouth of Splattertown' behaves herself tonight! (She meant Yuri's eldest Artemisia, who else)? Oro a kawaii evening gown, Auntie! You look stunning! You should wear dresses more often, you really should. Help yourselves to anything you want. I have to check on 'Artok' and see about dinner." said a tallish blonde who was quite striking. Angela de Roncesvalles as well as being 'niece' to 'Aunties' Kei and Yuri was the last of the long line of the ancient Terran Order of the Knights of the Temple aka the Knights Templar but that is another tale!


End file.
